It's hard to believe that my last blog was over a month ago. I've had some of you write to me or I've seen you in person and you asked me to "update, update".
First, let me say thank you to those of you who have read this blog and have followed me down this road. It is very humbling to think of people taking the time to stop and read these journals. I really have no idea how many or how few are reading, but right about when I think "why am I doing this?" someone will tell me they just read it and somehow it encouraged them. I'm so glad, but it surprises me that they are encouraged, when I am the one who feels encouraged that they were reading it in the first place! Thanks again for reading along, for praying for me, for caring so much. I have been very blessed!
So...to update...August was busy. Betsy came home from Springdale, Tom got back from Africa and Bets, Jamie and Mary all started school on exactly the same day. When school started, our family's pace of busyness increased even more.
As far as my health...I left off when I visited my oncologist and she said to continue with the Tamoxifen for now. Physically, the last month has not been as difficult, like when I was doing treatment. But mentally I have had a major battle going on.
Right after that appointment I went through a time of anxiousness. All of a sudden I wasn't going to the doctor! No appointments, no treatments. I had read about this stage...a post treatment stage where you feel kind of worried because you're just going solo now. When I saw my radiation doctor about a week after that, she was great, very encouraging. She assured me that this was a normal feeling that patients go through after treatment.
I then started to move out of that immediate "no appointment" syndrome to struggling with what was going on in my body. Was it coming back? Am I really healed? My next scan to check for cancer is not until November. SO...I've been fighting this mental battle. It is a ping-pong conversation in my head...back and forth..."hooray, I'm healed, it's gone!!!" to "Is it really gone??? What if... I wonder". I have to send away the thoughts that I consider negative and instead think of words of encouragement, either from the Bible or from things people have said to me.
What IS going to happen to me in the next 6 months or 1 year or 2 years???I don't know. That is the truth, the real bottom line. I don't get to know today. So the lesson that God is teaching me is the same one He's tried to show me before over and over again, just in different ways: "Don't worry about tomorrow, today's own troubles are enough for today. Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added to you".
I'll write some more soon, but that's all for tonight. God has continued to hold me up and give me strength day by day. Praise to the Lord for His love and faithfulness!
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
The plan for now
I saw my Little Rock oncologist today. Bottom line...I'm staying on Tamoxifen. That's fine with me. Now it's just me, Tamoxifen and the Lord. A very simple maintenance program.
One thing that was a little disturbing to me was that I thought I was having scans every 3 months...so I thought I was getting a scan this month. I'm not. I go for checkups every 3 months and then have CT and PET scans every 6 months. That means, since my last PET scan was in May, I will not be checked for recurrence until November.
That sounds like a year to me.
This is a time of walking by faith, not by sight. I cannot see what is happening inside of me. I just need to trust and pray and not look down, like Peter did. Please pray for me to have peace and pure child-like trust day by day...and to keep my eyes focused on Jesus. That's my desire.
"Whatever you ask for in prayer believe that you have already received it and it will be yours." Mark 11:24
Whew...that is a hard Scripture! But that's what it says.
Lord God...thank You for all the ways that you have healed me. Please heal my moments of unbelief and replace it with faith that comes from You alone. I don't have enough in my own heart's storage. You alone are my Strength and Source of hope. In Jesus' mighty Name.
One thing that was a little disturbing to me was that I thought I was having scans every 3 months...so I thought I was getting a scan this month. I'm not. I go for checkups every 3 months and then have CT and PET scans every 6 months. That means, since my last PET scan was in May, I will not be checked for recurrence until November.
That sounds like a year to me.
This is a time of walking by faith, not by sight. I cannot see what is happening inside of me. I just need to trust and pray and not look down, like Peter did. Please pray for me to have peace and pure child-like trust day by day...and to keep my eyes focused on Jesus. That's my desire.
"Whatever you ask for in prayer believe that you have already received it and it will be yours." Mark 11:24
Whew...that is a hard Scripture! But that's what it says.
Lord God...thank You for all the ways that you have healed me. Please heal my moments of unbelief and replace it with faith that comes from You alone. I don't have enough in my own heart's storage. You alone are my Strength and Source of hope. In Jesus' mighty Name.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Second Opinion
Last week I went to Tennessee and got to visit with family and lots of dear friends, which was great! Mary and I drove over and stayed one week, had a busy but wonderful time.
While I was there I went to Vanderbilt University Medical Center and met with a doctor in the cancer clinic. He has worked at Vanderbilt for 29 years. My sister Diane went with me and we both liked him right away...very kind and soft spoken and professional.
I explained I wanted to get a second opinion, which he thought was very normal and fine. He had already looked over my medical records that my oncologist in Little Rock had sent. I also brought scans and path slides. SO...he had all my records there to look over.
He said that all the treatment that I had already received to this point would have been exactly what they would have done. That was nice to hear. We discussed the different options for fighting recurrence at this point. He really leaned toward using Tamoxifen only instead of some other meds called aromatose inhibitors. We talked about lots of other things also. He was not in a hurry...very patient to answer my questions. I really felt like the Lord had sent me to just the right person.
He'll send his recommendations to my doctor. This coming Monday I'll go back to see her and we'll discuss the options again and then decide. I'm already taking Tamoxifen right now, as she wanted me to "be on something" while I was going to the second doctor. All of these meds are to stop estrogen production in my body...because the cancer was estrogen-positive.
Physically...I'm still tired. I guess I just keep thinking I'm going to bounce back any day now but it is still slow progress. I walked a mile on Monday around the track, then I came home and went out to the yard to pull a few weeds for awhile. I thought it wasn't much but as the day went on I had no energy reserve left. The reserve was empty. I was so tired. So Tuesday and today I tried to slow down some, and it's been a little better. I just feel frustrated because I want to "get back to normal". I guess this is normal...for now. I'm learning to accept all the change and the limitations as part of this journey.
Spiritually...I'm working on the whole faith issue. When you get out of the active treatment stage and into the maintenance treatment time there is this huge question that no one wants to say out loud, but it's on our minds. "Is it going to come back?" There, I said it. Last week the Lord reminded me of the story of Peter walking on the water. Three points...(like any good sermon)... I need to not be afraid, I need to keep my eyes on Jesus and I need to not look down. All three are hard. I can't do it just by saying I need to do it. I need the Lord's strength to even do any of it. It will have to come from Him.
Paul said in 2 Corinthians 12:
"But He said to me 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power my rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I haven't quite learned the fine art of delighting in my weaknesses. But I am quite aware that I am weak and of the fact that I do not have any strength of my own. I call on the Lord, and He gives me strength for that moment in time. Hour by hour, day by day. Where else would I go for strength?
"O Lord, You are my strength!" Psalm 18:1
He always comes when I call. Holds me up one more time. What a faithful and wonderful God! Thank You, O Lord, for Your love and kindness to me! Thank You!
While I was there I went to Vanderbilt University Medical Center and met with a doctor in the cancer clinic. He has worked at Vanderbilt for 29 years. My sister Diane went with me and we both liked him right away...very kind and soft spoken and professional.
I explained I wanted to get a second opinion, which he thought was very normal and fine. He had already looked over my medical records that my oncologist in Little Rock had sent. I also brought scans and path slides. SO...he had all my records there to look over.
He said that all the treatment that I had already received to this point would have been exactly what they would have done. That was nice to hear. We discussed the different options for fighting recurrence at this point. He really leaned toward using Tamoxifen only instead of some other meds called aromatose inhibitors. We talked about lots of other things also. He was not in a hurry...very patient to answer my questions. I really felt like the Lord had sent me to just the right person.
He'll send his recommendations to my doctor. This coming Monday I'll go back to see her and we'll discuss the options again and then decide. I'm already taking Tamoxifen right now, as she wanted me to "be on something" while I was going to the second doctor. All of these meds are to stop estrogen production in my body...because the cancer was estrogen-positive.
Physically...I'm still tired. I guess I just keep thinking I'm going to bounce back any day now but it is still slow progress. I walked a mile on Monday around the track, then I came home and went out to the yard to pull a few weeds for awhile. I thought it wasn't much but as the day went on I had no energy reserve left. The reserve was empty. I was so tired. So Tuesday and today I tried to slow down some, and it's been a little better. I just feel frustrated because I want to "get back to normal". I guess this is normal...for now. I'm learning to accept all the change and the limitations as part of this journey.
Spiritually...I'm working on the whole faith issue. When you get out of the active treatment stage and into the maintenance treatment time there is this huge question that no one wants to say out loud, but it's on our minds. "Is it going to come back?" There, I said it. Last week the Lord reminded me of the story of Peter walking on the water. Three points...(like any good sermon)... I need to not be afraid, I need to keep my eyes on Jesus and I need to not look down. All three are hard. I can't do it just by saying I need to do it. I need the Lord's strength to even do any of it. It will have to come from Him.
Paul said in 2 Corinthians 12:
"But He said to me 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power my rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I haven't quite learned the fine art of delighting in my weaknesses. But I am quite aware that I am weak and of the fact that I do not have any strength of my own. I call on the Lord, and He gives me strength for that moment in time. Hour by hour, day by day. Where else would I go for strength?
"O Lord, You are my strength!" Psalm 18:1
He always comes when I call. Holds me up one more time. What a faithful and wonderful God! Thank You, O Lord, for Your love and kindness to me! Thank You!
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