Hard Day

This has been a hard day.

Tom and I went to the doctor's appointment this morning to hear the results. The PET scan showed that the cancer has spread to new places. Progression. It has moved to my right ribs, right top humerus bone, some more spots in the T vertebrae and honestly, I can't remember every place right now because I was listening with a heavy heart. About 6 new places. All of it was in the bone, none in soft tissues like organs. They did see a pocket of fluid near a lung. She (my doctor) said that could be a lot of different possibilities, but she wanted to get a fluid extraction sample done to be sure it was not cancer. Also, I found out on the way home my calcium is up again...13 something. Didn't want to hear that.

Of course, we sat there ...sad. Not what I wanted to hear. The plan is to begin an oral chemo, Xeloda, that I take 7 days a week and then I'm off for 7 days. This plan was what the Vanderbilt doctor recommended and as well as what she recommends. She said that Xeloda is a very good drug for stopping the spread of cancer and they've seen lots of success with it. It has some rough side effects, but everyone reacts differently, so maybe I won't have them. I go in tomorrow and Monday for fluids to try to get the calcium down. The calcium is an indicator of the cancer, which I didn't really understand until today. When it goes down it means things have stabilized with cancer. Tuesday I will go for the outpatient surgery of drawing the fluid sample near my lung.

I have an wonderful oncologist. With tears falling off my face, she stopped and held my hand and just listened to my grieving words. She also spoke to me about spiritual things...(she's a Christian). She said "bottom line is we just don't get to know all the answers to our why questions, but to keep looking to God through the suffering." I agree.

She told me to stop the Femara (estrogen blocker) immediately and that we would continue to get the Zometa. The Xeloda has to be special ordered, so as soon as it's all approved then I'll start, which will be soon.

I left her office and went to the chemo room and sat down for the Zometa. It takes about 30 minutes. Tears flowed on and off for the whole 30 minutes. Then Tom and I got something to eat and headed home.

What can I say except this is not what I wanted or what I was praying for...or what so many others were praying for. I really don't understand. But... I know God loves me. I know He is not ignoring all this. I know He is good. And I know that I will love Him forever.

I don't know what the future holds. But...none of us really do. In Psalms 139 it says He knew the number of my days even before I was born. He knows that number. I do not. But I want that number to be large, to go into my old age.

My doctor made it clear that we were not at the end of our options at all. She talked about some other chemo treatments that were very good options. So,we are trying to renew our hearts and our minds and my body to get ready for another battle.

You know, the thing about faith is that it means believing for the unseen. I haven't seen what I have been believing for, healing, but it doesn't mean that it can't still come. It means it didn't happen like I thought it might happen. I am trying so hard to release my mind from trying to figure all of this out and just saying "I will trust Jesus". No matter what...I'm His.

O God,
The song "I Surrender All" is in my mind.
"I surrender all, I surrender all, all to Thee my blessed Savior, I surrender all."
I love You.
Please wipe away these tears so I can look at You better. I want to keep them on You.
Your child,
Lisa