I've been getting Avastin and Gemzar every 2 weeks and Zometa once a month. This Monday I will begin getting Taxol instead of Gemzar, plus Avastin every 2 weeks and Zometa still once a month. The new chemo, Taxol, has different side effects than Gemzar...and one of them is that I will lose my hair. Again.
When I was first diagnosed in 2006 I was put on chemo treatments that made my hair fall out. I have been down this road...so I guess I do have some experience to lean on. But I'm not sure that it makes it all that much easier. One part of me thinks "it's just hair, no big deal" and then there's the other part that remembers the emotional part of being a woman without hair. Ultimately, I have to tell myself that it really is just hair and that it doesn't matter. If the medicine will do what we want it to do (kill the cancer), then losing my hair is fine.
That's what I am telling myself. I have to. I don't want to dwell on the sad part, I want to move on to the battle. I trust that God is in control of my life, that He cares about every detail of my life and that, as Scripture says, " Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid;" (Luke 12:7a) If He knows that number...then He knows when there are none. And look at the words following that sentence. "Don't be afraid." The continual theme of the past 5 years. "Lisa, do not be afraid. Trust Me. I am the God who sees and who loves you." Over and over I have heard God tell me to trust Him.
And I do. With not only the number of hairs on my head, but the number of days in my life.
My job is to follow and love God on this life journey, even when I can't see too far ahead. That's what faith is all about. Believing before you see anything with your eyes. I believe God is real, that He loves me, that He is with me in ALL circumstances that life brings my way. He's promised to never leave me. I believe Him and I trust and love Him.
O God,
I do love You. I don't really want to lose my hair again but I know it'll be okay. It's not the main issue. I ask You to give my body strength to endure these once a week treatments. Please cancel the side effects and just pour Your strength into my body. This is a long distance marathon, Lord. I cannot keep running without You, O God. Give me strength and courage and determination in my body, my heart and my mind. Thank You for sustaining me day after day. Thank You for all the ways You have blessed me over the past five years and taken care of every need. I praise You now and always for being the God who cares so much. I love you, Lord, today and forever.
Your daughter,
Lisa
1 comment:
Sorry, Lisa. I know it can't be fun to lose your hair. Yes, even knowing it's temporary, that it's worth it if it kills the cancer, that you've been down that road before, that inner beauty is what counts, and that--of all people--you look still pretty awesome without hair, it's still not a road you look forward to traveling. I can relate to this because there are a lot of things related to my SB that I had to accept even though it wasn't pleasant and made me stand out from others, some of them permanent, and some of them temporary (like the metal leg brace I had to wear to school/Jr High from ages 12-14). Yeah, I can definitely relate.
But I think you have the right attitude and I think this time it will not be as emotional as last time (at least, I'm gonna pray for that!). And while I'm at it, I'm just going to pray that it doesn't fall out at all! Remember, we prayed for our friend Schuyler not to throw up from his multiple myeloma chemo drugs even though we were told EVERYONE throws up on them for DAYS--and HE NEVER THREW UP!! So, I think we can ask God to keep your hair on your head. :)
Love you!! Praying for you to be well once and for all so you can just stop messing with this stuff!!
Julie
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