Trusting Him with all your Heart

A lot has happened since I last wrote.

The last blog left off with my doctor telling me to take a break, get rest and to skip the chemo this time.  Well, five days later  I was admitted into the hospital.  All that week (my "week off") I had tried to keep my daily routine very simple, staying at home and resting often.  But as the week went by, I just wasn't feeling so well.  The Friday of that week I was having some physical problems and Tom asked me to call the oncologist.  To be honest, I thought "well, it's not so bad" and delayed making the call.  But about 4 pm the Lord reminded me to  "call the doctor".  I did it, not because I thought I needed to but because Tom had asked me to.  (This was a clear example of wives needing to listen to their husbands. God has used Tom over and over to speak truth to me, wrapped in love. By God's Spirit prompting me, I finally did obey.)

SO...I called and got the oncology nurse.  She referred me to the LR urologist who had done the stent surgery in June.  But according to the clock,  it was already "the weekend" and I knew his office would send me to the ER.  Didn't want to go through ER.  Instead,  I called our family doctor who is local and also a dear friend of ours.  He stepped into the situation graciously and admitted me into the hospital Friday evening to get some tests done.  Right away, we found out that my kidneys were not functioning because of internal blockage. Neither kidney. Not good.  On Saturday they ran some more tests and my doctor decided to call in two specialists, a urologist and a nephrologist.  The urologist said this was renal failure and both kidneys needed stents now.  Saturday night I received 2 units of blood (some of my counts were low again).  Then Sunday morning I went in for the surgery at about 11 am.   The urologist removed the stent in my right kidney, which had become blocked....and then he put in a new one there and in the left kidney as well.  The doctor used special stents designed especially for cancer patients that were stronger. I spent the next few days in recovery and finally went home Wed. July 31st.

I was pretty thankful that I listened to Tom and to the Lord and made that call on Friday afternoon.  I had no idea how serious things were at that point, but as the weekend unfolded,  it was clear...I'd been rescued by God one more time.

That Wednesday that I got out of the hospital, I was SO thankful to be home! The staff, doctors and nurses were all wonderful but I was there 5 nights, but I just needed to get out! I needed to get back to my own bed and look out our windows to see the birds and bunnies, to see my family and to see the day and the night.  It felt like everyday was night...my nights and days were mixed up.

When I returned, we had a special evening that night because our son Jesse from Nashville came over for a quick visit, plus Jamie came over from Jonesboro for a short visit as well. There is NO medicine as wonderful as seeing our children, and hugging and holding them.  Pure delight.

They all returned to their homes on Thursday and Mary went to Nashville for a weekend trip.  Tom and I were at home, alone, no children.  It was quiet but it was okay. A good recovery weekend after the hospital stay.

We went to the oncologist the following Monday.  My blood counts were very good,  probably because of the 2 units of blood I received the previous weekend.  Even thought the counts were good, she decided I would not get chemo. There were two reasons...one, she thought I was still not completely recovered from the surgery and needed more time for rest and pain management to settle into a good routine.  Second, she said they could already tell this chemo was not working.  I had only started it in June and really only had about 3 treatments, but they said the whole crisis with the kidneys was also an indication that the chemo was not stopping the blockage in that area.  I do not have cancer IN the kidneys, but there is cancerous tissue outside the organs in that area that are pressing and blocking normal function.  The stents corrected the problem, but her point was the chemo was not reducing the cancer in that area. SO...this coming Monday I will go back to LR and she will discuss a different chemo to try. Then, I will start again.

All of these events...the kidney blockage and failure, the surgery and hospital stay, then the news about changing chemo again has been hard...in all kinds of ways.   Difficult news is not something new to us...but the level of seriousness this time was certainly new territory to face. 

How DO you keep hoping for complete healing when the medical information all shows the cancer has not been stopped, just the opposite, it is progressing?  Is it denial to continue to hope in the midst of difficult news? 

The truth is this...to stop hoping is NOT where I want to live day by day.  I HAVE to hope.  Joshua told all the Israelites in his great speech that they all could do whatever they wanted to but "as for me and my house, I choose life!"    I will choose life and hope and perseverance and joy along this road until the LORD makes it clear that my time has come to go to Him.  Whether that is in weeks or months or years, I don't know.  But then....neither do you.  Only God knows the number of our days.  Do I wish He'd let me know that too?  Yes!  But...I don't know.  SO...I will take each day and live it as fully to His glory as I'm able.  One hour, one day at a time.  And He has faithfully been with me every hour of every day.

I continue to try to figure out all these questions...that do not have quick answers.  It's like when our children were little....so many questions! They were free to ask, but sometimes they didn't get a clear explanation.  They were expected to trust us, even when they didn't understand.   The verses in Proverbs 3:5-7 are as follows:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.  Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil.  This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones. 

How could that be?  Well...I do understand the part about trusting God's plan versus trusting my understanding.  I would rather trust Him than me.  His ways are perfect, full of love, His plan for forgiveness and redemption, His patient understanding about everything, is MUCH more trustworthy than my simple, flesh supported ways.  He is God.  I am not. So...we choose to follow and trust Him.

I choose life.  I choose to trust Him all of my days on earth. And then, to joyfully trust Him when it is time to go Home.  I trust Him. Period.

O God,
I love You. This is so hard.  Not loving You, that's not the hard part.  The suffering, the unanswered questions, the waiting to see Your mighty hand.  I see the quiet action of  Your Presence in my life and in our home everyday...and I am SO grateful.  But I'd like to ask for something crazy big...like Daniel being saved from the lions or young David going up against Goliath.  Something that would show how glorious and crazy big You are!  Come, O God.  Rescue me and so many others like me that cry out each day.  We praise Your holy Name.  We trust You...no matter what happens, BUT we all long to see Your hand do what seems impossible.  Nothing, we know, is impossible with You.
I trust You.  I love You.  Forever.
Your daughter,
Lisa